http://neutroncomputersonline.com/qpezdt/ofog/u1h4h48kl2aar3vr0r.fzpojoj   
    Marci Thompson

;HtmlMsgFormat=

   
   
http://neutroncomputersonline.com/qpezdt/ofog/u1h4h48kl2aar3vr0r.fzpojoj   
    Marci Thompson

Love Metaphor

Maybe I made a mistake tethering my soul to yours so long ago. Cuz now it seems that even when I think I can move on, something keeps pulling me back. Like my heart is tangled up in yours. And no matter how I try to release it, parts of it remain behind...and it hurts.

Because here I am, on the same road again headed back to you. I should be terrified, running with my eyes closed into a forest full of trees right into your arms again, not even sure if you will be there when I land.

Pure love is the clearest. I dive into your soul and breathe in your goodness, with nothing to filter anything out. It consumes me, no glimpse of the beginning or end in sight. Perhaps I should be more scared of what might happen. But it seems that in the depths of this love I have no fears or doubts of what is to come. I am happy just to be.

Like remaining in the sun with the warmth on your face will eventually start to hurt, I wonder how long it will be before I regret not moving on. But all I know is that it feels too good to leave.

My broken heart
Is simple and true.
But it is only mine.

I wish you were too.

The next level

I've been waiting for a moment to gather my thoughts and put them here. But I've also been a little scared to come here again. The last time I wrote, a month ago....I was on the verge of saying goodbye. Goodbye to whatever silly hopes or ideas I had for us. I wasn't sure if somewhere along the road, maybe you had a change of opinion about me/us. Or maybe, I was wrong to think that your and my goals were the same at all. In any case, even though my title for my last blog was "Foggy" - I was afraid that I was seeing things clearly for the first time - and it hurt.

But whatever was happening....or NOT happening....I can only say what I THOUGHT about it, or how I FELT about it. I can't say what was going on in your mind. I don't know EXACTLY what you think or why you seem distant at times. If there are ever doubts in your mind, I wouldn't know. If there were ever something in me that you didn't like about ME, I wouldn't know. (Which is a mixed blessing, I assure you.)

I can't remember if I did a "good" job letting you know what was going on with me. But I do remember that you came to me. Instead of pushing me away or ignoring me or anything like that, you CAME to me. You loved me.

After that, all the little efforts you made were noticeable. I physically felt everything between us open up. Its like every little need I had, you gently took care of it.

I felt love for you - a new love. A more mature and powerful love. You filled me up with security and peacefulness....that later, when you got busy with work and school again, all those doubts and insecurities felt a million miles away.

I hope you are enjoying us too....and more than anything, I hope we can always have this. Forever.

In my whole life, I've never had a man take care of me. I mean emotionally. I don't think they knew how, not even my father. I had long since given up, but still something I missed.....

Till now.

Foggy

I haven't written in a long time. Not too long ago, when I thought I should, I felt that, actually, maybe I shouldn't.

Even though I still love you, the memories that bring me so much happiness are slowly making their way into the past. Just now, I went back to read what I had written on this blog and there is a mixture of emotion. I remembered how happy and in love I felt as I used my gift to express it into words. I also remembered how many times I would check my email to see if you left any comments. I remember the feeling I got when I realized you weren't going to comment. I used to think my writing made you happy. Now I don't know if you feel anything at all when you read my stuff.

I know that you know that I love your praise and your attention. But you seem unwilling or unwanting to give it. When you do reach out to hold me or tell me how much I mean to you is when I've gotten to the level of being really hurt or upset.

Lately I feel lost and in a daze. I'm afraid that I've given and given and given to the point of exhaustion and depletion. I'm embarrassed by my obvious cries for attention and people pleasing and I'm even more ashamed that they didn't work. All I've done is desensitize others to the essence of me. Now people and perhaps even you have simply gotten used to me, and I am no longer something to be cherished. I have done my job too well.

I don't know who I am anymore, who I want to be isn't working. I don't feel creative, I don't feel like a desireable woman. You wrote me something lovely and a couple of close friends noticed my lack of vitality and tried to say nice things to me but I have fallen so deep into thought I can barely understand the words.

I wish you still found me interesting, like you once did. Now a days I come in a distant second to our comfy bedroom and HD tv.

Somewhere I went wrong.

I blame myself.

Miss you.

As this little thing we have with each other grows older, there are other ways we confirm affection. It's not the dates anymore, the sexy messages, the hand holding....
It's in the little things we do in our day to day routine.

Today, my pelvis is giving me hell. I don't feel like your sexy girlfriend, I feel like an achy grandma. But I keep my smile on my face because I am happy. I'm happy with my life, my children, my friends, my boyfriend. I keep going and going, because as happy as I am, I want my family to be happy and cared for too.

As I care for you, as I iron your clothes, as I use my hands to pleasure you, it fills me more than I ever thought I could be.

And all I can hear in my heart, as I keep busy on a Sunday evening is

i love you i love you i love you

Ol Reliable

I love my Honda.

It's everything I imagined. When I first saw one, I thought to myself "that's it. That's the one. No matter what anyone says, I will have it. I don't care if I should be sensible. That's what I want, that's what I'll get".

What baby wants, baby gets.

It took time. Research. Thought. Prayer, or whatever you want to call it. But, quietly, with my eye on the prize, and my focus unwavering, I drove off the lot in my dream car. I had to stand my ground. I had to raise a little hell. It's my way. I don't hold back anymore.

Now, when I drive it, I feel good. I feel sexy sometimes. I feel secure. I take care of it, it takes care of me. Sometimes I drive a little fast. Sometimes I take my time, enjoying the ride, enjoying the day. It doesn't fuss. It lets me be. Its what I need, when I need it.

I love you like that too. My love for you is like my love for my car. Except, there isn't any warranty, and now that I think about it, one of my tires has a slow leak. But damn, that car is hot.

Merry Christmas.

Ever since I was little girl, really - as early as I can remember - I wished for someone to love who would love me too. Even though I don't believe I was shown what real love could be like while I was growing up, in my heart I knew what it meant, however incapable I was to put it into words. I would literally wish on every "first star" I saw, I would pray for it at night. "please send me someone to love".

As a teenager, I could more clearly imagine what I wanted him to be like. He would be smart, someone I could talk to about anything going on, or come to for advice. He would be funny, someone to appreciate my quirkiness too. He would be strong enough to protect me and soft enough to hold me. He would never hurt me.

As a woman, I had to go through alot before I was ready to receive that someone I longed for for a lifetime. Maybe it was self imposed, I don't know. But finally.....you've come. The moment I saw you, I knew. If it had to be cheesy, I would say the clouds opened up and the sun shone down on your face. It was like arrows pointing down on you from every direction. But really, it was the slightest tug in my chest, the breath I missed for a second when I first looked in your eyes.

I don't care if you think that compared to what I had before, that of course you look like a price. Because to me, it's like I never really lived before I met you. Every second of my life was in preparation to meeting you. Every bit of goodness of you and every fault you have are the gifts I wished for. I wish now that I can hold on tight to it forever.

I love you always.

Ugly truths

I re-wrote this twice. I hope you didn't read the previous version.

"Why are the things that HE used to make you do, that traumatized you - are now things that turn you on?"

I knocked that one around in my head a long time. Here are some scenarios I ended up with.


When I met him, I felt sexually confident. Prior to that, I was desirable and I knew it, humbly. I had done some things, and I think with the right person, I would have grown even more, I would have matured in a healthy and acceptable way. But somehow during that time with him I shrank. He made me feel that I wasn't worth anything. And anything I did or had a desire to do was wrong.

I didn't respect him. I feared and loathed him along with loving him in a strange way. I felt disgusted with his dirty little secrets and desires. I felt like something was wrong with him. And for me to do the things he wanted to do would put me in the same category as him.

I did have secret fantasies. I fantasized about having sex out in the open. Maybe with the curtains open. But I couldn't tell him that. Because anything I did or said would be brought up later against me. I couldn't afford to give him any more ammunition. I held on tight to my good girl image. It gave me a little "something" to hold over him, my little holier than thou attitude. It was something he couldn't take away from me. Also it perpetuated our sick cycles. I was good, he was bad. Then later, I was wrong, he was right. In my sick mind, I also feared that the only reason he hadn't already killed me was because I was "so good". If he saw that I was any less than that, I suspect it would have been worse. I know, I still believe it had something to do with me. That somehow it was my fault.

I lost myself. For a long time. I took a good year to find myself. To allow myself to think and feel my own thoughts and emotions was exhilirating.

I tried to be around other men. I knew that I held some sort of chemistry for some, but I couldn't get it right. I still felt the need to be prudish and hold back.

When I met you, I felt overwhelmed with a desire I felt for no one else. I mean, yes, I could see a man and think "wow he is so hot" or even have some sort of vision of having sex with them but it all felt like some distant "thing" that was not real. First, I heard your voice and I wish I could explain to you how I felt. What you said was simple enough, but your tone, the way you laughed a little when you spoke....I felt there was dimension to you. I felt there was more to know. To be quite honest, I rarely cared about getting to know any other man that way. When I saw you, I knew. I knew I had to experience as much as possible about you. Do you see what I see, within yourself?

In the beginning, I had some major reservations about actually giving in to my desire of having sex with you. I felt totally inexperienced (despite all my teenage experience - my entire adult experience to that point was completely dysfunctional). You made me feel like it was ok to want things, to indulge in another person mutually. It took me a while to get over my feelings of no self worth, especially in the sex department. I hoped you couldn't see the inside of me. The sad, sick, battered parts. I felt if you did, you would agree with him. I do realize how sad that sounds.

You were so patient with me. Willing to overlook my anxieties and insecurities. For a long time, I couldn't tell if by doing that, you really cared, or if you were just passing the time with me.

What's happening now is that I respect you. And because I respect you, and you are not judging me or belittling me, I must actually be "ok". I know that I am still deriving self worth through the eyes of someone else. It's something I hope I can get over eventually. I'm lucky I have you. Whether you wanted the role/responsibilty or not, in a way, you're my hero. You're helping me heal. No wonder I love you so much.

So why are those things turn on's now? Because you let me be myself without fear. Everything looks pretty good when you have nothing to fear, when you see the promise of a loving patient heart in someone else.

This is how you remind me

Last night, I got bored with tv and like I sometimes do, I rolled over and started drifting off to sleep. Instead of our usual spanks on the butt and "hoe down" routine, I felt you touch my back, caress my hips...I was half asleep, so I just kinda rolled back over, not sure of what you were wanting me to do. Your voice was low, deep, close to my ear, "roll back over to where you were." I don't care how silly you might think it sounds, but your voice is sexy. Many times, I will play it back in my mind over and over, just for the pleasure of hearing the tone of it.

I rolled back over. You ran your hands over my body. Even over the curves that are the very least favorite part of me. But your touch carried me away to where I didn't care about anything. You pulled me close and we were perfect spoons, your body cradling mine like puzzle pieces. My head ended up in the crook of your arm. Your face nuzzling in my hair....The moment was so tender....

When you make love to me like that, its like you are doing it because I belong to you. Like my heart and body are yours for the taking, but not like you would ever do so without really meaning it. Then this morning, as we both walked out to our cars to leave for work, you walked all the way over to me to surprise me with a kiss. I don't know how I can love you more. Just when I think there's no more room in my heart for loving you, you do something like that and show me. You show me that beyond the security of sleeping next to you, of coming home to you every day, of kissing your lips hello and kissing your lips goodbye, that there lies between us something there are no words for....that something that makes me cry when I write about us, that makes my heart fly with happiness, so high I may never come down.

You left tonight, to be with your little boy who feels like crap, who may or may not be scared, but who will surely feel better knowing dad is there. And you remind me again, how you are the best man I have ever known and will ever love in my entire life.

Glimpses

I had a dream that we were old, sitting behind our house, looking out at the wildflowers and grass. "Honey, can I get you anything?" I asked. You didn't answer, but put your warm, wrinkled, still softer than mine hand on mine. I noticed there weren't any sparks or desire like we had in the beginning. There was more of a quiet peacefulness and comfort between us. For a second, I let my mind wander and I imagined that I would look over and you'd be gone and I got scared. But I turned, and you were still there, holding my hand.

You saw me looking at you and you said, "remember when I got my first wrinkle?" I looked at your face, with all the little lines and crevices that come with age.....I did, I did remember. "You still love me?" you asked.

I didn't answer, just leaned over and kissed your wrinkled face.

I woke up and my eyes welled up.

How "you" make "me".

Today was a busy day. I kept myself busy, cleaning out closets, drawers, doing endless loads of laundry, cleaning out the fridge, taking out bags of trash. In between, I listened to music, or just listened to my own scattered and fragmented thoughts. I ran across some old photographs from a few years ago. It was funny to see my old yukky hairdos and different phases of weight. Each time, I would hold one up to my sister and say "oh, how do I look different in this one?" Mostly she said I actually looked OLDER back then. I looked WEIRD. I looked STRESSED or ANGRY.

Of course I warranted it to the fact that I am now divorced and have left some of the most traumatic moments of my life in the past. But I have to tell you, that you are changing me, too.

Oh god, sometimes I tire of myself. Sometimes I try to put myself in your shoes, and try to imagine what it is like to have someone always in your face, telling you they love you, praising all your virtues. "I love you, I love you, you're the best....blah blah blah." What can I say. I'm a pain. But since this little blog is about me and you, and no matter that you are there and I am here, and we are probably, if we are to be honest, enjoying a little space, away from each other ---I just wanted to post a little something about what you do for me.

It's not in the way we make love. It's not in the things you say or don't say. It's the very fact that you exist. It's the fact that the day you were born and I was just a year and 11 months old, in you was born someone who would someday take my breath away, someone who would touch my soul and complete the puzzle of me. Everything you hate about yourself, everything that gives you confidence, everything you've done and have yet to do.....you're the man I love without knowing anything and everything all at the same time.

Its the way you come up behind me and hug me tight, without me having to vie for your attention. Its the way you hold my hand and run your fingertips underneath my fingernails. Its in the way that when you are holding me from behind and your bury your face in my hair and kiss my back. Its the way your hand wraps around my shoulder when you have your arm around me. Its the way you look when I walk in and you are busy working away on whatever. Its in the way you hold your fist underneath your chin when you sleep, making you look like you are deep in thought with your eyes closed.

I know alot about book stuff, facts, scholarly things. But in your shadow, I feel like a girl again. I can't pick apart our relationship and say "this means this, and that means that". But I hope that true love is the name for how I feel like crying when I write this and how I can feel happy and fulfilled too.

Kissing you

Our second date was on a Wednesday. Nick called me that Tuesday, to ask if I wanted to do something and I was ecstatic. He said "I've been thinking and thinking of what we can do and I can't think of anything." This simple statement was enough to melt my heart and have me walking on air the rest of the day. He was "thinking and thinking". Even now, it makes me smile. I made a joke about how we could go to church and he goes ".....are you serious?". LOL

I guess we finally decided that we would just have dinner. That day was really hectic for me. A local TV news station was coming over to interview my kids because there was a predator in the neighborhood trying to pick up young girls and long story short, they came over to talk to my kids. I had to race them home, do the interview, get the sitter over, pick up pizza for them and race my ass over to his side of town to have dinner at Chili's. Nick had asked "Sonic or Chili's?" I said "...I don't know...I guess Chili's?". He said "Sonic it is." I said "Well, I'll be at Chili's when you get done at Sonic". This makes me laugh now because I realize he was serious. He loves Sonic.

I didn't have time to do my hair so it was a wavy mess. Since the contact debacle on date #1, I now had to wear my dorky glasses. When I got there and we sat down, I said, "wow, you look really different now that I can see out of both eyes." (Kidding, of course). I said, "Aren't you going to say anything about my hair?" He said "It looks nice". I said "No, it doesn't". I had about 5 glasses of water and must have got up about 4 times to pee. I told him I was leaving my purse at the table so he couldn't leave. He's like "good luck with that". Once, when I was coming around the corner back to the table, he acted like I had just busted him trying to leave. When we had finished eating and the waiter asked us about 20 times if we needed anything else, we finally walked slowly out to the parking lot. He asked if I wanted to sit in his truck with him and talk. I think we sat in there for an hour, just talking. I think it was mostly me talking about everything because sometimes I get hyper and jump from topic to topic. I made a crack about being ADD and several months later he told me he had ADD and I felt like an A-S-S. We talked about "bad boy types" and "bad girl types" and about how long we thought that people in general should date before they had sex. I said 9-11 dates would be good and he said that could be like 3 months!

The whole time we sat in his truck I was waiting for him to kiss me somehow, or to hold my hand. We still hadn't touched. Finally, I said, "I guess I better go....". We went from his truck to my Jeep and stood outside and talked some more, each of us waiting for the inevitable kiss. If he thought I would kiss him first, he was crazy. On the other hand I was dying to feel his lip with mine. While I was leaning against the Jeep, trying to buy more time, he said "You look like a librarian." I was insulted. He said "A hot librarian." I was still insulted. LOL. A couple of weeks ago he said he had a thing for girls in glasses. I believe him now.

We were quiet for a minute and he said "Do you feel the tension?" I said "yeah, yeah I do." He goes "how much longer do I have?" I said "5...4...3...2..." He said "Wait that's too fast!" But he slowly leaned in and gave me the kiss to end all kisses. His mouth was warm and soft, not too wet, not too dry....he took his time, first kissing only my lips, then I opened mine to let his tongue in....I gently leaned in to feel his body while we kissed. When we finally came up for air, my head was reeling. I was wondering how I was going to drive home. I can't even tell you what we talked about after that. We kissed again. But his sweet hesitation with me meant more to me than the actual kiss. After the first two kisses, when we were just standing there being quiet, he leaned over and kissed my forehead. In my heart, I hoped that he had never kissed another girl on the forehead before me. I know I am a jealous freak. As I got home he texted me, "I apologize for being so forward". I was like "oh please".

The next day he texted me all day, flirtatious messages, making my stomach clench with desire for more of him. He tried to get me to come over and bring some homemade tortillas. I couldn't, I had soccer practice and laughed at his persistence. He said "Can you blame me for wanting to taste those soft lips again".

Remembering this makes my nose tingle with little tears in my eyes. I walked away from that night feeling like I would never kiss another man again. I know he was probably just thinking about getting me in bed. I don't care.

Now a days we mostly have chaste kisses, kisses goodbye or hello. The other night, he gave me a full on open mouth kiss and I thought I would melt into a puddle. Those kisses are only every once in a while but when we do share them it's as if the earth stops moving for me. It's like I can feel forever in his mouth.

Spellbound

Of all of our intimacies, I would have to say that laying in Nick's embrace is my favorite. (Even over sex!!) Sometimes when he rolls over to hug me (and by hug I mean Smother), he buries his face in my neck and hair and says "....witch". Nick can say anything and make it sound blase. He can take something that would otherwise make someone uncomfortable and ask or say it in a way like "pass the salt". So I don't always know when he is teasing, and I can't tell exactly what he is thinking when he says something. But this, I like to hold close to my heart. I choose to believe that he means he as enamored as I am, that he is blinded with affection for me.

I'm not a witch but I do like to use my powers of persuasion. I told Nick the other night that I never had to think of a word or phrase for it before. I've never told anyone. Never had to, I guess. I dodged the question of religion, etc, when we were dating as long as possible. I didn't want to scare him off with anything that he might think is new age-y.

Ever since I was a kid, I practiced doing and knowing things. I remember laying in bed, concentrating for hours, it seems, trying to "listen" to my mom. I tried to tune in to her. Lots of times, I could hear her before she came. After I got that down, I moved on to other people. After that, I tried to see where people were. I had a guy that I had a crush on that I concentrated on more than anyone else. Once, I asked him if he was outside at a certain point, the night before. I gave him detail (can't remember now what) and he was pretty surprised. Afterwards, it was a game. He would want to know what I "knew", I would tell him fragments and he would freak out. Sometimes it was guessing, Sometimes I had no idea what he was doing. Sometimes I just knew things. Much later, I was dating this guy and once he told me that I always seemed to call when he was jerking off. (I don't think this was easy for him to tell me, but he thought it was pretty weird) So after that, it, too became a game. He called me "Rosie" after that. For rosy palms. There are more stories that I don't care to share. No big deal. There are also some weirder stories, little things that happened to others whenever I felt mad or upset with them. Could be coincidence. Who knows. \

Anyway!

When I met Nick, I was so desperate sometimes to hear from him. He is not as social as I am, so he didn't call me near as much as I might have liked. So, sometimes, I would harness all my energy and get to thinking him into calling me or whatever. Lots of times, it worked. I would write out details of how he would call, what we would do that evening. But more often that not, he seemed resistant to me. He did what he wanted, when he wanted. Lots of times, I would wish that he would like me as much as I liked him. I probably would have done anything to get him to pay attention to me. I was tempted.
But, in the end, I decided that I only wanted him if he wanted me genuinely, not any other way. (Not that it would have worked anyway).

 

So, sometimes I just reply "If anyone is bewitched, its me". And sometimes, I just let him call me a witch and wonder if it isn't our hearts that create this magic.

When I think about you, I......

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Beginnings, revisited

The way we are today has alot to do with our past. No matter how much we try to deny it, no matter how different we believe we are, no matter how hard we "squash" that part of us, it still lays there, deep inside, simmering like embers at the bottom of the hearth. Never really blowing out, not causing any major damage but ready to fly around and burn a little, with the right (or wrong) breeze at the right (or wrong) time.

Imagine a relationship....starts out precariously. Not too bad, not that great. But the parties stay involved, at least for now, for lack of anything better to do. Along the way, little red flags pop up, but both parties silently agree to ignore them, time and time again. The reddish flags become irritants - things of real substance, but at that point they stay, for the times that aren't irritants.

And then a bad thing happens. Or maybe not "bad" but big enough to cause real hinderances inside you. You rationalize, you've got quite a bit invested to turn back now. To leave now would prove you as a large waster of time. You carry on, but the damage has been done. You feel differently and nothing will change that. That little irritant is a tiny thorn you swallow down, scratching its way, leaving tiny scars all the way down. So no matter how healthy and happy you appear on the outside, you have those thorns inside, twisting. Not all the time. But sometimes.

So what has happened here is a functioning "relationship" based on pain. No matter that there are happy times. No matter that sometimes good things happen. The thorns remain. And when you or they or things are at their most vulnerable and you have to hang on to each other, those thorns are there, digging and building resentment.

What happens when you construct a building on a bad foundation? Over time, the base of the building will shift or sink. You will begin to notice cracks in the walls and slopes in the floors. If it gets bad enough windows will break. Eventually even pipes will burst. Finally the building will simply fall apart.
For a while you can patch up the building, fixing things as they break. This is costly in both time and money. In short order the cost of repairs will be more than the cost of laying a good foundation in the first place.

With this in mind, why wouldn't everyone build on a good foundation? There are several reasons. Ignorance is one. They don't know how to create a proper foundation, so they just do the best they can. Or they may know better, but want to avoid the extra expense. Or they may have the know-how and the finances, but they are in a hurry to get the building up, so they decide not to “waste” too much time on the foundation. Then there are people who are just lazy, or they just don't care.

Nick, I want to thank you for sharing this good foundation with me. I've said it so many times I may come off sounding cliche - but I have never felt so free. What we have is an open honest relationship, free from judgement and full of support. Whatever we want to share with each other, we can. Whatever is too painful to share still, we will, eventually, and know that we'll be ok. I don't know what I love more about you - the fact that you listen to me when I talk or that you actually want to know more and ask just the right questions.

I know there are a million more things we still need to go through. Your kids and mine will each have their own struggles and challenges and we will need to hang on to each other for sanity and peacefulness. Our respective families. Finances. Decisions. Health. Careers. All of them intimidating. But if you will just hold my hand. I think we'll be fine.

I will love you always. Promise.

The ties that bind

Nick doesn't know the Marci from before. To sum it up, here is an example. I overheard my mom talking to a friend of hers on the phone about me and she said "Marci's different. If something is bothering her, you will never know. If she's sick, you won't know." Some of my closer friends can testify. They know the me that would never ever ever open up about anything. That I would sooner gauge my eyes out than say something was wrong, than to ask for help. I was always one to listen to others but never one to reveal. I'm not entirely sure why this was. I would like to think it was just because I didn't want to be a burden to others. But deep down, I have to admit I didn't think anyone would really listen. I didn't think they would want to know. To illustrate further, a few years ago I was practically dying with what I later found out was a kidney stone....I drove myself to the emergancy room. Once I was violently ill and fell to the floor. An unnamed person came into the room, walked around me and then left the room. Nice huh?

Today, he might say that I am the emotional one, the expressive one. Bubbling over when I am happy, falling apart when I am sad. But I can say this with absolute certainty: He is the one who brings the level of intimacy we have. He has shaped us, he knows me, probably better than I know myself. I think (know) he is the only one to know me better than anyone else.


I remember one date in particular. I was having the shitiest week and I basically asked him out, invited myself over. I was, in my way, asking him to make me feel better (as I often do). I told him about my troubles over dinner....but was unable to shake the moodiness. I pouted over having thrown myself at him. I resented inviting myself over. I am a brat sometimes. Two days later, he called me and asked me what was wrong. This is a heroic move. A man. Calling a woman. And asking her what was wrong. I have to admire his guts. I told him everything I had been feeling. He listened. Without audibly gagging.

Later, if he read my (other) blogs and if it sounded like I was out of sorts, he would call and ask what was wrong. Even when I don't feel like talking about anything, he reaches into where it can't be too pleasant to venture and pulls me out. I am not exaggerating when I say no one else has done that. I hope he knows that I wish to be there for him, too. That I want to be his anchor, his safe harbor.

He is the strong silent type. He is what I always wanted and, too, is still becoming what I need him to be. He may appear distant sometimes, but as elusive as Batman can be, hiding in his cave somewhere, he comes to my rescue everytime.

Today, I smiled to myself a couple of times over some sweet words from last night. I was floating on air, remembering his loving words. But besides that, I just have to say that he has this hold on me....and it just keeps getting tighter. A couple of weekends ago, I was thinking I would love some ice cream. He said "how about some ice cream?". True love, right?

Maybe the intimacy is what we feel when we are around each other, not even talking, but still connected. Maybe it's when we are hundreds of miles away from each other, and still feel each others presence as if it were a piece of ourselves.

Maybe it's because sometimes I cannot tell where I end and he begins. And really, I don't want to know.

When you're not here.....

When I start feeling "restless" without mi amor around, I lay in bed and remember some of my most favorite moments with you....

Most recently was when you came back into town and texted me "I want to be inside you in ten minutes". Do you know hard it is to grab everything and drive home at 80 miles an hour when I was so wet??? I could barely walk out of the office I was so horny for you.

Even before we ever had sex, you could make me ache for you. Remember at the movie when I wore a skirt? I really wasn't trying anything, I was just rubbing your leg when you took my hand and put it on your hard dick.....I know you don't believe me but I was so surprised. It was our fourth date and I had no idea what you might feel like down there. When I felt the firmness and the size of it, I felt my insides melt with desire. To top it off, you slipped your hand in my skirt and your fingers rubbed me so sweetly. I had to tighten my mouth to keep from moaning outloud. Your fingers just kept rubbing and rubbing my clit....I arched my back and leaned my head back because I wanted to feel you as much as possible. I don't think I watched any of the last 30 minutes of the movie. If I could have gathered my senses, I would have gone down on you right then and there. As a matter of fact, I think we should definitely plan for that soon.

After that, I tried to get you in the back of my Jeep...."my seats lay down....". You said, "I think the back seat of my truck is bigger". I said "Let's see".

Do you remember what we did? I remember you took my panties off and I straddled you, kissing your lips. I ran my fingers around your face, tracing your eyes and cheeks...I was trying to put the curves of your face in my memory. I traced your lips with my fingers. Inside I was dying with wanting you. I guess you lost patience with me and grabbed my neck and pulled my neck to you, crushing my lips with yours. I could feel your teeth with my tongue.

We couldn't do it, so I just went down, I put you in my mouth. I loved the taste of you and tried to shove it all down my throat. You slipped your hand back up my skirt....do you remember? You were massaging my ass so softly. I wished you would just shove your hand inside....

I honestly just remembered this - I was so crazy with wanting you, I touched myself til I came, right there in your truck. Later, I wondered if you weren't bored at that point.

I drove home without my panties. Before I went to sleep, I touched myself again, thinking about how you felt in my hand, in my mouth.

I still yearn for you, just as much.

Dreaming in Tongues

Querido,

La otra noche, antes de dormir, estaba pensando en ti. De repente empese soñar en Espanol. Era tu y yo. Me estabas carisando mi cuerpo, hablando en una voz tan baja, en mi oido. Ni se le que me estabas diciendo, nadamas que lo dijiste en Espanol, con amor y carino.

No paso nada, no mas era un momento sensual entre los dos....un momento en tus brazos. No se porque soñé en Espanol, pero tengo un idea. Cuando era muy chiquita, no entendia el Ingles. Solamente hablaba Espanol. Creo que el amor de nosotros me ha llevado a un momento de renacer....como estar contigo, me reducas a los instintos mas basicos. Me siento como una niña enamorada.

Lost in Translation

What I meant to say today:

"Hey baby! I miss you when you're away. You always make things brighter when you're around. I know it's silly but sometimes when I don't hear from you I feel a little down...I hope you are having fun and will see you when you get back. If you get a chance, let me know you miss me too. I love you."

What I actually said:
"I don't know why you're avoiding me. You don't answer my calls, you don't reply to my emails. When are you coming back anyway? I'm tired of waiting for you. I need to know. Now now now."

What I meant was "omg sometimes I just miss you and feel hurt that you don't miss me as much"

What he heard was "you're a bad boyfriend".

I tease him and say that ever since I've met him, he's been leaving me behind.

Our third date was on a Sunday, October 14th (a short 7 days since our first date). He had mentioned maybe going to his place to watch a movie or something and I was so hesitant to go there. Although in the beginning, I had wanted a strictly physical relationship and would have been happy to keep it that way, getting to know him and be around him had me intrigued. It made me want to second guess the sex, at least for now. I was terrified that he would get me over there, have sex with me (not opposed to THAT part of it) and then never call me again. Anyway, he had been out of town and came back in that Sunday. I had never given him a straight answer about going over. I countered with "maybe we can just meet for coffee or something". He picked up on my nervousness and said "you don't have anything to worry about. I'm a gentleman".

When he called me Sunday afternoon, he doesn't know it, but I intentionally missed his call. It was the first and only time I have ever done that. That's how nervous about it I was. He called again later, as I was laying in bed with the sniffles (I had allergies really bad that day, something else he didn't know) and I eventually dragged myself out of bed to meet him at Chili's for a drink.
I sent him a message that I was running late and he responded "you're ruining my life".
When I got there, he was already there. He came up to me and wrapped me in this tight embrace.

I was pleasantly surprised. I wasn't used to people (men) hugging me so tight to say hello. In those few seconds, I felt his body, his warmth. More importantly, I felt his heart. That night, while he watched the game on the screens at the restaurant, I downed a margarita to calm my nerves and silently wondered if they had AA for daters who drink. But it was the first time he reached across the table to hold my hand and gently rub my fingers with his. His touch was sweet, his smile was genuine.

I did end up going to his apartment, reluctantly. He was a gentleman. It was the first time we made out, very innocently on his couch. I was quiet as he drove me back to the restaurant for my car. He asked if anything was wrong as he held my hand. (not an easy task, while driving a stick shift) I shook my head no. I was just remembering that sweet bear hug and wondering how deep I was going to fall.