What I meant to say today:
"Hey baby! I miss you when you're away. You always make things brighter when you're around. I know it's silly but sometimes when I don't hear from you I feel a little down...I hope you are having fun and will see you when you get back. If you get a chance, let me know you miss me too. I love you."
What I actually said:
"I don't know why you're avoiding me. You don't answer my calls, you don't reply to my emails. When are you coming back anyway? I'm tired of waiting for you. I need to know. Now now now."
What I meant was "omg sometimes I just miss you and feel hurt that you don't miss me as much"
What he heard was "you're a bad boyfriend".
I tease him and say that ever since I've met him, he's been leaving me behind.
Our third date was on a Sunday, October 14th (a short 7 days since our first date). He had mentioned maybe going to his place to watch a movie or something and I was so hesitant to go there. Although in the beginning, I had wanted a strictly physical relationship and would have been happy to keep it that way, getting to know him and be around him had me intrigued. It made me want to second guess the sex, at least for now. I was terrified that he would get me over there, have sex with me (not opposed to THAT part of it) and then never call me again. Anyway, he had been out of town and came back in that Sunday. I had never given him a straight answer about going over. I countered with "maybe we can just meet for coffee or something". He picked up on my nervousness and said "you don't have anything to worry about. I'm a gentleman".
When he called me Sunday afternoon, he doesn't know it, but I intentionally missed his call. It was the first and only time I have ever done that. That's how nervous about it I was. He called again later, as I was laying in bed with the sniffles (I had allergies really bad that day, something else he didn't know) and I eventually dragged myself out of bed to meet him at Chili's for a drink.
I sent him a message that I was running late and he responded "you're ruining my life".
When I got there, he was already there. He came up to me and wrapped me in this tight embrace.
I was pleasantly surprised. I wasn't used to people (men) hugging me so tight to say hello. In those few seconds, I felt his body, his warmth. More importantly, I felt his heart. That night, while he watched the game on the screens at the restaurant, I downed a margarita to calm my nerves and silently wondered if they had AA for daters who drink. But it was the first time he reached across the table to hold my hand and gently rub my fingers with his. His touch was sweet, his smile was genuine.
I did end up going to his apartment, reluctantly. He was a gentleman. It was the first time we made out, very innocently on his couch. I was quiet as he drove me back to the restaurant for my car. He asked if anything was wrong as he held my hand. (not an easy task, while driving a stick shift) I shook my head no. I was just remembering that sweet bear hug and wondering how deep I was going to fall.
Monday, September 29, 2008
Sunday, September 28, 2008
The First Time
Not "the first time", the first time I ever saw his face. ("The first time" is another story for another day).
I went shopping the day before our first, "blind", date. Several stores and three tops later, I think I was ready. I wanted casual, but not sloppy. Sexy but not slutty. I like to call it "accidentally sexy". It's a look I have worked on for years, though not sure I've perfected it. I got my eyebrows waxed. Got a manicure. Shaved every part of my body that demanded attention. Straightened my hair. Powdered my nose, glossed my lips. Repeat.
My sister came over to watch the kids and I left a little early to go my Bev's for her approval, plus, we had talked about having a drink to ensure calmed nerves. I was not a drinker. But when I got there, she and her boyfriend were fighting. No checking for approval. No drink. Applied more lip gloss and hit the road.
My eye started to hurt on the drive over (we agreed to meet at the movies. I wasn't talking any chances with any possible psychos). I tried to rub without rubbing off my makeup. At a light, I finally had to pull my contact out of my eye and drive with one hand over my eye. On my drive I thought "I hope he's cute. I hope I get laid".
I got there early and he was running late. Prior to this, he had asked me not to wear tall shoes because he was short. And he said he would be the one with the big butt. I calmly said ok because I didn't want to hurt his feelings by reacting, in case it was true. I hoped he was kidding but couldn't be sure. Yahoo personals didn't have criteria for "bigger than normal ass". I was losing patience and nerve so I called him. He was parking. As he was walking up, I tried to tell him where I was standing and he said "Do a jumping jack". I cringed. I am not a jumper. I half hearted made jumping jack arm motions. He walked up.
Across the (large) meeting area at the theatre, I could only stand there while he walked up. I hoped not to look fat. I tried not to make a retarded face. I took him all in. His jeans, his two shirts, his facial hair. I thought...."yes. He's the one."
We shook hands and got in line. I purposely stood behind him a bit. He got us some popcorn but neither of us ate very much. I didn't want to make all that crunching noise and plus, popcorn makes me burp sometimes. The armrest wasn't big enough for the both of us and I let my arm sit next to his for a while, taking in his warmth. He never tried to hold my hand or touch me in any way. Or even look my way for that matter. I held my hand over my contactless eye through the whole movie. I was getting a headache.
The movie was "The Heartbreak Kid". It had alot of lewdness. He laughed alot and I closed my eyes and shook my head alot. Later, he said he thought I would get up and walk out. While sitting next to him, I fantasized about kissing him. About climbing into his lap, on top of him.
Afterwards, he asked me to dinner. I ordered a salad and he made fun of me (I ate alot of salads in those days. Dieting). We talked a little about ourselves. I felt that I would never see him again. I tried to calculate if I had enough time to seduce him.
Afterwards, he walked me to my car. He did not hold my hand, did not touch me. He said "well...give me a hug" so I did. He said some double entendre unintentionally and I said "let's go" but we did nothing. He asked when I was available this week and I rattled off my schedule (busy alot with soccer and school) while he tried to take it all in. He asked me out for Wednesday and I agreed. I drove off happy. Until I stopped at Walgreens to put my contact back in but it tore, I couldn't see and accidentally went the wrong way and got lost.
I eventually got home and ate something because I was starving. I laid in bed wondering what more there was to him, wondered how long it would be before we just stopped talking because he was just like all the other losers. Wondered how I could be happy that he never touched me or made a pass when all I wanted was to wrap my legs around him.
Next week is our one year anniversary of that date. I still wonder what more there is to him. I love him for not being like the other losers. I still love to wrap my legs around him.
I went shopping the day before our first, "blind", date. Several stores and three tops later, I think I was ready. I wanted casual, but not sloppy. Sexy but not slutty. I like to call it "accidentally sexy". It's a look I have worked on for years, though not sure I've perfected it. I got my eyebrows waxed. Got a manicure. Shaved every part of my body that demanded attention. Straightened my hair. Powdered my nose, glossed my lips. Repeat.
My sister came over to watch the kids and I left a little early to go my Bev's for her approval, plus, we had talked about having a drink to ensure calmed nerves. I was not a drinker. But when I got there, she and her boyfriend were fighting. No checking for approval. No drink. Applied more lip gloss and hit the road.
My eye started to hurt on the drive over (we agreed to meet at the movies. I wasn't talking any chances with any possible psychos). I tried to rub without rubbing off my makeup. At a light, I finally had to pull my contact out of my eye and drive with one hand over my eye. On my drive I thought "I hope he's cute. I hope I get laid".
I got there early and he was running late. Prior to this, he had asked me not to wear tall shoes because he was short. And he said he would be the one with the big butt. I calmly said ok because I didn't want to hurt his feelings by reacting, in case it was true. I hoped he was kidding but couldn't be sure. Yahoo personals didn't have criteria for "bigger than normal ass". I was losing patience and nerve so I called him. He was parking. As he was walking up, I tried to tell him where I was standing and he said "Do a jumping jack". I cringed. I am not a jumper. I half hearted made jumping jack arm motions. He walked up.
Across the (large) meeting area at the theatre, I could only stand there while he walked up. I hoped not to look fat. I tried not to make a retarded face. I took him all in. His jeans, his two shirts, his facial hair. I thought...."yes. He's the one."
We shook hands and got in line. I purposely stood behind him a bit. He got us some popcorn but neither of us ate very much. I didn't want to make all that crunching noise and plus, popcorn makes me burp sometimes. The armrest wasn't big enough for the both of us and I let my arm sit next to his for a while, taking in his warmth. He never tried to hold my hand or touch me in any way. Or even look my way for that matter. I held my hand over my contactless eye through the whole movie. I was getting a headache.
The movie was "The Heartbreak Kid". It had alot of lewdness. He laughed alot and I closed my eyes and shook my head alot. Later, he said he thought I would get up and walk out. While sitting next to him, I fantasized about kissing him. About climbing into his lap, on top of him.
Afterwards, he asked me to dinner. I ordered a salad and he made fun of me (I ate alot of salads in those days. Dieting). We talked a little about ourselves. I felt that I would never see him again. I tried to calculate if I had enough time to seduce him.
Afterwards, he walked me to my car. He did not hold my hand, did not touch me. He said "well...give me a hug" so I did. He said some double entendre unintentionally and I said "let's go" but we did nothing. He asked when I was available this week and I rattled off my schedule (busy alot with soccer and school) while he tried to take it all in. He asked me out for Wednesday and I agreed. I drove off happy. Until I stopped at Walgreens to put my contact back in but it tore, I couldn't see and accidentally went the wrong way and got lost.
I eventually got home and ate something because I was starving. I laid in bed wondering what more there was to him, wondered how long it would be before we just stopped talking because he was just like all the other losers. Wondered how I could be happy that he never touched me or made a pass when all I wanted was to wrap my legs around him.
Next week is our one year anniversary of that date. I still wonder what more there is to him. I love him for not being like the other losers. I still love to wrap my legs around him.
Exordium
Maybe I make things harder than they are. Maybe it's because I'm a woman, or because I'm emotional or whatever - but sometimes I can only tell how far we've come by looking back. As much as I want to be calm cool and collected, I can't...at least when it comes to my own matters of the heart. I'm all twisted up in what I feel, what I want, now now now. It's like being a two year old with an eighteen year old boys libido.
Ok. Enough with the cryptology. This is the story of me and Nick. It's a love story, a comedy (him), rated M for mature (plenty of "M"!), a drama (me), a memoir. I already keep a detailed journal and I had another blog for about 5 years, but this is different. This will be a series of flashbacks along with what's happening now for perspective. I need this because I tend to distort time into my own span - very annoying to others and very unhealthy (You may do it, too. Ex: "A long time ago" for 2 weeks ago. "the other day" for 3 years ago. "forever" for two months from now.)
Blogging. Free therapy.
Ok. Enough with the cryptology. This is the story of me and Nick. It's a love story, a comedy (him), rated M for mature (plenty of "M"!), a drama (me), a memoir. I already keep a detailed journal and I had another blog for about 5 years, but this is different. This will be a series of flashbacks along with what's happening now for perspective. I need this because I tend to distort time into my own span - very annoying to others and very unhealthy (You may do it, too. Ex: "A long time ago" for 2 weeks ago. "the other day" for 3 years ago. "forever" for two months from now.)
Blogging. Free therapy.
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