Ever since I was little girl, really - as early as I can remember - I wished for someone to love who would love me too. Even though I don't believe I was shown what real love could be like while I was growing up, in my heart I knew what it meant, however incapable I was to put it into words. I would literally wish on every "first star" I saw, I would pray for it at night. "please send me someone to love".
As a teenager, I could more clearly imagine what I wanted him to be like. He would be smart, someone I could talk to about anything going on, or come to for advice. He would be funny, someone to appreciate my quirkiness too. He would be strong enough to protect me and soft enough to hold me. He would never hurt me.
As a woman, I had to go through alot before I was ready to receive that someone I longed for for a lifetime. Maybe it was self imposed, I don't know. But finally.....you've come. The moment I saw you, I knew. If it had to be cheesy, I would say the clouds opened up and the sun shone down on your face. It was like arrows pointing down on you from every direction. But really, it was the slightest tug in my chest, the breath I missed for a second when I first looked in your eyes.
I don't care if you think that compared to what I had before, that of course you look like a price. Because to me, it's like I never really lived before I met you. Every second of my life was in preparation to meeting you. Every bit of goodness of you and every fault you have are the gifts I wished for. I wish now that I can hold on tight to it forever.
I love you always.
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Ugly truths
I re-wrote this twice. I hope you didn't read the previous version.
"Why are the things that HE used to make you do, that traumatized you - are now things that turn you on?"
I knocked that one around in my head a long time. Here are some scenarios I ended up with.
When I met him, I felt sexually confident. Prior to that, I was desirable and I knew it, humbly. I had done some things, and I think with the right person, I would have grown even more, I would have matured in a healthy and acceptable way. But somehow during that time with him I shrank. He made me feel that I wasn't worth anything. And anything I did or had a desire to do was wrong.
I didn't respect him. I feared and loathed him along with loving him in a strange way. I felt disgusted with his dirty little secrets and desires. I felt like something was wrong with him. And for me to do the things he wanted to do would put me in the same category as him.
I did have secret fantasies. I fantasized about having sex out in the open. Maybe with the curtains open. But I couldn't tell him that. Because anything I did or said would be brought up later against me. I couldn't afford to give him any more ammunition. I held on tight to my good girl image. It gave me a little "something" to hold over him, my little holier than thou attitude. It was something he couldn't take away from me. Also it perpetuated our sick cycles. I was good, he was bad. Then later, I was wrong, he was right. In my sick mind, I also feared that the only reason he hadn't already killed me was because I was "so good". If he saw that I was any less than that, I suspect it would have been worse. I know, I still believe it had something to do with me. That somehow it was my fault.
I lost myself. For a long time. I took a good year to find myself. To allow myself to think and feel my own thoughts and emotions was exhilirating.
I tried to be around other men. I knew that I held some sort of chemistry for some, but I couldn't get it right. I still felt the need to be prudish and hold back.
When I met you, I felt overwhelmed with a desire I felt for no one else. I mean, yes, I could see a man and think "wow he is so hot" or even have some sort of vision of having sex with them but it all felt like some distant "thing" that was not real. First, I heard your voice and I wish I could explain to you how I felt. What you said was simple enough, but your tone, the way you laughed a little when you spoke....I felt there was dimension to you. I felt there was more to know. To be quite honest, I rarely cared about getting to know any other man that way. When I saw you, I knew. I knew I had to experience as much as possible about you. Do you see what I see, within yourself?
In the beginning, I had some major reservations about actually giving in to my desire of having sex with you. I felt totally inexperienced (despite all my teenage experience - my entire adult experience to that point was completely dysfunctional). You made me feel like it was ok to want things, to indulge in another person mutually. It took me a while to get over my feelings of no self worth, especially in the sex department. I hoped you couldn't see the inside of me. The sad, sick, battered parts. I felt if you did, you would agree with him. I do realize how sad that sounds.
You were so patient with me. Willing to overlook my anxieties and insecurities. For a long time, I couldn't tell if by doing that, you really cared, or if you were just passing the time with me.
What's happening now is that I respect you. And because I respect you, and you are not judging me or belittling me, I must actually be "ok". I know that I am still deriving self worth through the eyes of someone else. It's something I hope I can get over eventually. I'm lucky I have you. Whether you wanted the role/responsibilty or not, in a way, you're my hero. You're helping me heal. No wonder I love you so much.
So why are those things turn on's now? Because you let me be myself without fear. Everything looks pretty good when you have nothing to fear, when you see the promise of a loving patient heart in someone else.
"Why are the things that HE used to make you do, that traumatized you - are now things that turn you on?"
I knocked that one around in my head a long time. Here are some scenarios I ended up with.
When I met him, I felt sexually confident. Prior to that, I was desirable and I knew it, humbly. I had done some things, and I think with the right person, I would have grown even more, I would have matured in a healthy and acceptable way. But somehow during that time with him I shrank. He made me feel that I wasn't worth anything. And anything I did or had a desire to do was wrong.
I didn't respect him. I feared and loathed him along with loving him in a strange way. I felt disgusted with his dirty little secrets and desires. I felt like something was wrong with him. And for me to do the things he wanted to do would put me in the same category as him.
I did have secret fantasies. I fantasized about having sex out in the open. Maybe with the curtains open. But I couldn't tell him that. Because anything I did or said would be brought up later against me. I couldn't afford to give him any more ammunition. I held on tight to my good girl image. It gave me a little "something" to hold over him, my little holier than thou attitude. It was something he couldn't take away from me. Also it perpetuated our sick cycles. I was good, he was bad. Then later, I was wrong, he was right. In my sick mind, I also feared that the only reason he hadn't already killed me was because I was "so good". If he saw that I was any less than that, I suspect it would have been worse. I know, I still believe it had something to do with me. That somehow it was my fault.
I lost myself. For a long time. I took a good year to find myself. To allow myself to think and feel my own thoughts and emotions was exhilirating.
I tried to be around other men. I knew that I held some sort of chemistry for some, but I couldn't get it right. I still felt the need to be prudish and hold back.
When I met you, I felt overwhelmed with a desire I felt for no one else. I mean, yes, I could see a man and think "wow he is so hot" or even have some sort of vision of having sex with them but it all felt like some distant "thing" that was not real. First, I heard your voice and I wish I could explain to you how I felt. What you said was simple enough, but your tone, the way you laughed a little when you spoke....I felt there was dimension to you. I felt there was more to know. To be quite honest, I rarely cared about getting to know any other man that way. When I saw you, I knew. I knew I had to experience as much as possible about you. Do you see what I see, within yourself?
In the beginning, I had some major reservations about actually giving in to my desire of having sex with you. I felt totally inexperienced (despite all my teenage experience - my entire adult experience to that point was completely dysfunctional). You made me feel like it was ok to want things, to indulge in another person mutually. It took me a while to get over my feelings of no self worth, especially in the sex department. I hoped you couldn't see the inside of me. The sad, sick, battered parts. I felt if you did, you would agree with him. I do realize how sad that sounds.
You were so patient with me. Willing to overlook my anxieties and insecurities. For a long time, I couldn't tell if by doing that, you really cared, or if you were just passing the time with me.
What's happening now is that I respect you. And because I respect you, and you are not judging me or belittling me, I must actually be "ok". I know that I am still deriving self worth through the eyes of someone else. It's something I hope I can get over eventually. I'm lucky I have you. Whether you wanted the role/responsibilty or not, in a way, you're my hero. You're helping me heal. No wonder I love you so much.
So why are those things turn on's now? Because you let me be myself without fear. Everything looks pretty good when you have nothing to fear, when you see the promise of a loving patient heart in someone else.
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