Sunday, October 19, 2008

How "you" make "me".

Today was a busy day. I kept myself busy, cleaning out closets, drawers, doing endless loads of laundry, cleaning out the fridge, taking out bags of trash. In between, I listened to music, or just listened to my own scattered and fragmented thoughts. I ran across some old photographs from a few years ago. It was funny to see my old yukky hairdos and different phases of weight. Each time, I would hold one up to my sister and say "oh, how do I look different in this one?" Mostly she said I actually looked OLDER back then. I looked WEIRD. I looked STRESSED or ANGRY.

Of course I warranted it to the fact that I am now divorced and have left some of the most traumatic moments of my life in the past. But I have to tell you, that you are changing me, too.

Oh god, sometimes I tire of myself. Sometimes I try to put myself in your shoes, and try to imagine what it is like to have someone always in your face, telling you they love you, praising all your virtues. "I love you, I love you, you're the best....blah blah blah." What can I say. I'm a pain. But since this little blog is about me and you, and no matter that you are there and I am here, and we are probably, if we are to be honest, enjoying a little space, away from each other ---I just wanted to post a little something about what you do for me.

It's not in the way we make love. It's not in the things you say or don't say. It's the very fact that you exist. It's the fact that the day you were born and I was just a year and 11 months old, in you was born someone who would someday take my breath away, someone who would touch my soul and complete the puzzle of me. Everything you hate about yourself, everything that gives you confidence, everything you've done and have yet to do.....you're the man I love without knowing anything and everything all at the same time.

Its the way you come up behind me and hug me tight, without me having to vie for your attention. Its the way you hold my hand and run your fingertips underneath my fingernails. Its in the way that when you are holding me from behind and your bury your face in my hair and kiss my back. Its the way your hand wraps around my shoulder when you have your arm around me. Its the way you look when I walk in and you are busy working away on whatever. Its in the way you hold your fist underneath your chin when you sleep, making you look like you are deep in thought with your eyes closed.

I know alot about book stuff, facts, scholarly things. But in your shadow, I feel like a girl again. I can't pick apart our relationship and say "this means this, and that means that". But I hope that true love is the name for how I feel like crying when I write this and how I can feel happy and fulfilled too.

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