Beginnings, revisited

The way we are today has alot to do with our past. No matter how much we try to deny it, no matter how different we believe we are, no matter how hard we "squash" that part of us, it still lays there, deep inside, simmering like embers at the bottom of the hearth. Never really blowing out, not causing any major damage but ready to fly around and burn a little, with the right (or wrong) breeze at the right (or wrong) time.

Imagine a relationship....starts out precariously. Not too bad, not that great. But the parties stay involved, at least for now, for lack of anything better to do. Along the way, little red flags pop up, but both parties silently agree to ignore them, time and time again. The reddish flags become irritants - things of real substance, but at that point they stay, for the times that aren't irritants.

And then a bad thing happens. Or maybe not "bad" but big enough to cause real hinderances inside you. You rationalize, you've got quite a bit invested to turn back now. To leave now would prove you as a large waster of time. You carry on, but the damage has been done. You feel differently and nothing will change that. That little irritant is a tiny thorn you swallow down, scratching its way, leaving tiny scars all the way down. So no matter how healthy and happy you appear on the outside, you have those thorns inside, twisting. Not all the time. But sometimes.

So what has happened here is a functioning "relationship" based on pain. No matter that there are happy times. No matter that sometimes good things happen. The thorns remain. And when you or they or things are at their most vulnerable and you have to hang on to each other, those thorns are there, digging and building resentment.

What happens when you construct a building on a bad foundation? Over time, the base of the building will shift or sink. You will begin to notice cracks in the walls and slopes in the floors. If it gets bad enough windows will break. Eventually even pipes will burst. Finally the building will simply fall apart.
For a while you can patch up the building, fixing things as they break. This is costly in both time and money. In short order the cost of repairs will be more than the cost of laying a good foundation in the first place.

With this in mind, why wouldn't everyone build on a good foundation? There are several reasons. Ignorance is one. They don't know how to create a proper foundation, so they just do the best they can. Or they may know better, but want to avoid the extra expense. Or they may have the know-how and the finances, but they are in a hurry to get the building up, so they decide not to “waste” too much time on the foundation. Then there are people who are just lazy, or they just don't care.

Nick, I want to thank you for sharing this good foundation with me. I've said it so many times I may come off sounding cliche - but I have never felt so free. What we have is an open honest relationship, free from judgement and full of support. Whatever we want to share with each other, we can. Whatever is too painful to share still, we will, eventually, and know that we'll be ok. I don't know what I love more about you - the fact that you listen to me when I talk or that you actually want to know more and ask just the right questions.

I know there are a million more things we still need to go through. Your kids and mine will each have their own struggles and challenges and we will need to hang on to each other for sanity and peacefulness. Our respective families. Finances. Decisions. Health. Careers. All of them intimidating. But if you will just hold my hand. I think we'll be fine.

I will love you always. Promise.