The ties that bind

Nick doesn't know the Marci from before. To sum it up, here is an example. I overheard my mom talking to a friend of hers on the phone about me and she said "Marci's different. If something is bothering her, you will never know. If she's sick, you won't know." Some of my closer friends can testify. They know the me that would never ever ever open up about anything. That I would sooner gauge my eyes out than say something was wrong, than to ask for help. I was always one to listen to others but never one to reveal. I'm not entirely sure why this was. I would like to think it was just because I didn't want to be a burden to others. But deep down, I have to admit I didn't think anyone would really listen. I didn't think they would want to know. To illustrate further, a few years ago I was practically dying with what I later found out was a kidney stone....I drove myself to the emergancy room. Once I was violently ill and fell to the floor. An unnamed person came into the room, walked around me and then left the room. Nice huh?

Today, he might say that I am the emotional one, the expressive one. Bubbling over when I am happy, falling apart when I am sad. But I can say this with absolute certainty: He is the one who brings the level of intimacy we have. He has shaped us, he knows me, probably better than I know myself. I think (know) he is the only one to know me better than anyone else.


I remember one date in particular. I was having the shitiest week and I basically asked him out, invited myself over. I was, in my way, asking him to make me feel better (as I often do). I told him about my troubles over dinner....but was unable to shake the moodiness. I pouted over having thrown myself at him. I resented inviting myself over. I am a brat sometimes. Two days later, he called me and asked me what was wrong. This is a heroic move. A man. Calling a woman. And asking her what was wrong. I have to admire his guts. I told him everything I had been feeling. He listened. Without audibly gagging.

Later, if he read my (other) blogs and if it sounded like I was out of sorts, he would call and ask what was wrong. Even when I don't feel like talking about anything, he reaches into where it can't be too pleasant to venture and pulls me out. I am not exaggerating when I say no one else has done that. I hope he knows that I wish to be there for him, too. That I want to be his anchor, his safe harbor.

He is the strong silent type. He is what I always wanted and, too, is still becoming what I need him to be. He may appear distant sometimes, but as elusive as Batman can be, hiding in his cave somewhere, he comes to my rescue everytime.

Today, I smiled to myself a couple of times over some sweet words from last night. I was floating on air, remembering his loving words. But besides that, I just have to say that he has this hold on me....and it just keeps getting tighter. A couple of weekends ago, I was thinking I would love some ice cream. He said "how about some ice cream?". True love, right?

Maybe the intimacy is what we feel when we are around each other, not even talking, but still connected. Maybe it's when we are hundreds of miles away from each other, and still feel each others presence as if it were a piece of ourselves.

Maybe it's because sometimes I cannot tell where I end and he begins. And really, I don't want to know.